SOL: Sabotage

What if I get it?
What if even then it is
Not enough for me?

3AM Thoughts // AKA “Haiku 106.”

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MIND: Autopilot

“I remember saying things, but I have no idea what was said.
It was generally a friendly conversation.”

Associated Press reporter Jack Sullivan, attempting to recount a 3 A.M. exchange we had at a dinner party and inadvertently describing the past ten years of my life.

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto // Chuck Klosterman

SOL: Mercy

The seaside home post
Hurricane; windows knocked in with
Loving tenderness, glass
Causing explosions of light across
A night sky that raucously
Applauds the natural disaster.
Shingles all but blown off, flapping
Half-heartedly in the breeze, a sad
Showing of resilience.
Door open for the world to see, hiding
Nothing yet the curtains are drawn
On the windows, false modesty.
Protecting the destruction inside as
The water trickles in, soaking the
Stairs with unstoppable power.

3AM Thoughts // AKA “I Am That House.”

SOL: June

10.06.2014.
the gîte is claustrophobic. it became
unbearably hot in the last week and i’m
insatiably waiting for rain to come and
wash away the dirt on the windows and maybe
i’ll be ridiculous and
stand on the porch in the 3am rain
letting it saturate my pores and attempt to clear
away all the past resentments.
i felt so full of i-don’t-know-what energy that yesterday
i rode the bike into the middle of the forest and sat in
the midst of silence and tinkering animals until the moment was
perfect. then i screamed. from the hollows of my bones and out of my mouth
and my jaw hurt from how wide and bellowing the noise was.
i screamed and yelled like a vengeful medusa because i have
been keeping all my secrets and all their secrets and all his secrets and it
gets too much to bear sometimes.

afterwards i felt better and biked home, with no one but myself and the animals the wiser.

3AM Thoughts // AKA “No one likes to discuss the unbearable aspects of empathy.

MIND: Praise

The price you pay for your addiction to praise will be an extreme vulnerability to the opinions of others. Like any addict, you will find you must continue to feed your habit with approval in order to avoid withdrawal pangs. The moment someone who is important to you expresses disapproval, you will crash painfully, just like the junkie who can no longer get his “stuff.”

Others will be able to use this vulnerability to manipulate you. You will have to give in to their demands more often than you want to because you fear they might reject or look down on you. You set yourself up for emotional blackmail.

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy // David D. Burns