MIND: Hollow

Happiness is a byproduct of function, purpose, and conflict;
those who seek happiness for itself seek victory without war.

// William S. Burroughs

SOL: June

the gîte is claustrophobic. it became
unbearably hot in the last week and i’m
insatiably waiting for rain to come and
wash away the dirt on the windows and maybe
i’ll be ridiculous and
stand on the porch in the 3am rain
letting it saturate my pores and attempt to clear
away all the past resentments.
i felt so full of i-don’t-know-what energy that yesterday
i rode the bike into the middle of the forest and sat in
the midst of silence and tinkering animals until the moment was
perfect. then i screamed. from the hollows of my bones and out of my mouth
and my jaw hurt from how wide and bellowing the noise was.
i screamed and yelled like a vengeful medusa because i have
been keeping all my secrets and all their secrets and all his secrets and it
gets too much to bear sometimes.

afterwards i felt better and biked home, with no one but myself and the animals the wiser.

3AM Thoughts // AKA “No one likes to discuss the unbearable aspects of empathy.

MIND: Literary Existence

I really would like to stop working forever–never work again, never do anything like the kind of work I’m doing now–and do nothing but write poetry and have leisure to spend the day outdoors and go to museums and see friends. And I’d like to keep living with someone — maybe even a man — and explore relationships that way. And cultivate my perceptions, cultivate the visionary thing in me. Just a literary and quiet city-hermit existence.

// Allen Ginsberg