SOL: Excuses

I gave myself over to you solely because
I had nothing else left
Your incompetent hands made a mockery of
The velvet dress draping my knees but I
Still smiled, still looked for something pure
In your gluttonous eyes
A pit-stop on the winding road to madness
You offered respite from the incessant clanging of my
Goddamn wants, needs, the have-to-have-you’s
If I could give you answers to the ticks
Of the clock lodged within my sternum, you know I would
Lost somewhere upon empty fields, awash in wild
Hypocrisy, lusty illusions, spurring on a fire burning brighter only
To be expunged far too soon

3AM Thoughts // AKA “My Hypothetical Love Is The Purest Form of Adoration.”

SOL: La Pantera

Your teeth sink into
The soft skin at the nape of my neck
Pressed deep until eyes start to bleed
Vision turning black to illicit sleep until you
Kneel and whisper between sheets
Welcome to the jungle
Desire making blood twist in veins until
You pursue me like a savage in the streets
One step behind and always aching low
Hold hands and push me deep
Inside, it’s better when there’s no need to speak
Palms above head in the sweetest surrender
Late night baptisms in chasms
Foolishly repenting the things most cannot imagine

3AM Thoughts // AKA “Tongues Grow Heavy With Unspoken Dreams.”

SOL: Sudando

The last honest thing about me is the
Sweat rolling down my temples in earnest
Frenzied breath reaching a crescendo as I track the
Final bit of spine she’s been saving for my mattress
Counting down the seconds, pretending the last act will
Be anything other than her slipping out of that
Little backless dress
Letting it fall like a finale curtain, blood rushing to my ears
In cacophonous applause, hands outstretched
Timeless moments twisted into rampant professions
Reluctantly doling out love, all she wants is
My commitment, my knees over wrists
A jaw open over throat, mouth over neck
Making it like this could be the last, might be the best

3AM Thoughts // AKA “You Move, A Form Of Art.”

SOL: Barbaric

She drinks me in like all
The metaphors she lets slip between
Silky fingers, in the dark of
Night under a streetlight she
Kisses me like a soliloquy
Hyperbolic professions drip from the tip
Of her tongue to my waiting mouth
She leaves me shameless
Drunk on the thought that she could be the
Last, I want her, I want it to hurt
I implore her between sheets to leave
Me with something tangible
She agrees
Time slips into distant memory as my
Fingers trace the indents her canines left
On my flesh

3AM Thoughts // AKA “The Brighter It Burns The Faster It Dies.”

SOL: Distant

The sickening moment of
It can’t be real, go back
The infinitesimal seconds between before and
After where everything is different
When it’s all so new that
You can’t even feel the hurt yet
The twenty-three seconds of suspense
Of self-induced purgatory, of serendipitous imbalance
Floating in a daze and staring in wonderment at
Karmic retribution, a vicious circle
The tricks a tired brain plays and
The drunk heavy tongue telling you it could have been worse
And you know it’s true but you still want
Seventy-five seconds of mourning
Or maybe twenty-four hours of loathing
Cursing the ill-fated luck that brought you
This lesson, imaging what you could have done differently until
It all blurs and you lose touch with reality
Again

3AM Thoughts // AKA “He Watches With Disdain As I Disappear Inside My Mind.”

SOL: Closure

I want a tattoo of
The first time we drank coffee
Haphazardly wrapped in sheets
Eyes bedded and hair wet
I want the word honey to be
Engraved on my arm
I want it to hurt
I hope the next man licks it off my skin and
Foolishly tells me how sweet I taste
Smiling back memories, collecting regret
Like daises by the fistful
I promised to be good and I meant it
Swore up and down I wouldn’t leave with
Fingers crossed, the same hand I used
To wave goodbye, I think you love it
I would have dragged you down forever, if you’d let me

3AM Thoughts // AKA “You Were Trying to Be The Whole Book, But You Were Only A Chapter.”

SOL: Homage

You exited my life with
As little fanfare as you entered.
A still-warm kiss on a lover’s
Forehead in the morning
Closing doors and speaking on
Tip-toe to pretend you are
Doing what you believe is just.
You make me weary.
Your absence leeches light from the
Hollows in my bones, but I abhor
To seek you, if only to prove to us both
That I do not need you.
I felt it when you kissed someone new and
I hoped her lips washed away the
Bitter taste I left behind.
Letter after letter was written by
Trembling hands, well-worn prose
I was too afraid to post.
Your existence is the knife I allow
To nestle in my right side as
A perpetual reminder that you left.

3AM Thoughts // AKA “You Sent Me Roses & I Kissed the Thorns.”

SOL: Masterpiece

I breathe adventure, I sin for travel
He tells me Paris belongs to me as I
Arch my back in triumph while
Sweat pours from suntanned skin the
Shade of café au lait, I want
To ravage his mouth, his hands, eat my way through
His stomach until I feel his heartbeat on my bottom lip
My tongue traces each freckled constellation on his
Back and he tries to make sense of my tangled tattoos with
Hands wrapped in flaxen hair, neck stretched back
Drinking champagne out of collarbones as he pins me
To the wall like a masterpiece, he says I belong in the Louvre
Barely leaving the room, crumbs in sheets, white teeth
Snapping wolfishly towards secret places
He warns me not to fall in love and I
Look at him with a Mona Lisa grin

3AM Thoughts // AKA “Je me souviens.”

SOL: Appreciation

For adoration, the creation of high
Standards and the brash insistence that I
Never settle for anything less than exactly what
I want, leading by example and demanding nothing but
Excellence in every endeavour, constantly pushing boundaries
Breaking molds and challenging barriers – assumptions
For pouring gasoline on misguided notions and then
Putting a lighter in my stocking for Christmas, my
Mischievous provider, I could not live a stale life even
If I wanted to, you have filled my expectations to the brim and
I lust for nothing less than pure
Magic and spontaneous adventure.

For support, the fostering of
Ideas and the encouragement to pursue risky ventures
Helping me off the ground after each fall and
Reminding me that like buds, I will spring forth again
Telling me that the torn skin on my knees is
Simply proof of a lesson, not a failure
Pushing me towards greatness, mentoring me after
Error, chastising me with a smirk when I came
Home in the early hours of morning with wild hair, laughing eyes and
A childish grin, and you still telling me
I look like a goddess.

For sacrifice, the perpetual struggle of
Knowing what you would lose and instead focusing on
What I would gain, selflessness personified
Offering me on blistered hands what you
Hustled for, struggled to obtain and dressing it up with the
Ribbons from each birthday party you threw and tossing
Flowers at each recital you never missed, the
Constant belief that I could be anything I wanted
Ensuring a safeguard for my future but recognizing
In my petulant face, so like yours
That I would carve my own path with
The tools you provided.

For candor, the brutal honesty of
Fiery words and tempers clashing, the gods themselves
Were forged within fires such as these
Hands pulled through hair with the realization you are
Arguing with a child less, a replica more
Pulling no punches as words are carved with eloquent mouths
It was you who first put a pen in my hand and
Told me to write, reminding me that
Each experience was a blessing, telling me to pile
The rocks and epithets hurled at me into a foundation
Upon which I would one day flourish
Arming me with the knowledge that we all choose our own fate and
Never letting me admit defeat.

For stability, the unwavering dedication to
The fostering of my dreams and the insistence
That I never accept no for an answer
The quiet pain of watching me grow and shrink with
Love and lack thereof, the fear I heard in your eyes but
Not in your voice when you put me on a plane
Praying the dark cloud over my head was not terminal
Questioning my moves but understanding my motives
You are the powerhouse, the unwavering driving force
The sun our souls revolve around, and so
I hope you never foolishly forget that I
Will always find my way home to you.

3AM Thoughts // AKA “Why I Love You – Happy Birthday Mom.”