SOL: Cauterize

04.08.2019.
In stolen moments I reflect on all that
You have done to me, everything that has changed since the
Dark year we spent together.
I am still trying to forgive you. I would be lying if I said
Some of your words don’t still haunt me; the harsh observations you made
About my character, some of which still ring true – I jump planes and change countries,
Trying to reconcile a version of myself that fits well. It has taken years for me to
Make peace with what we did to each other. Three years later I flew to your
Country and walked down your street.
Each step strained the muscles in my leg, my hair stood on edge, my heart
Was a great chained beast, aching with the
Desire to flee. Some scars don’t heal. Time doesn’t mend all
Wounds. I walked through your barrio and it all felt as familiar as
A fever dream. The things you subjected me to felt miles away and
Yet omnipresent. The park. Your apartment stoop. The corner where we fought and
You spoke with your fists, the bin where you hurled all my gifts in a rage. The memories
Have not faded with time but they hurt less. I don’t live in them anymore.

3AM Thoughts // AKA “Telenovela.”

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SOL: Amore

You breathe fire in
Parts of me that I truly
Thought had been burnt out

3AM Thoughts // AKA “Haiku 24.”

SOL: Extinguished

You drain light from me so well
I start to love it, begin to crave your angry fists
Hammering either side of my head, I want to flinch
When your finger twitches, feel the decibels of my
Heartbeat increase with each violent speech
You make me weak, I start to miss it
Insufferable power struggles until your teeth
Eat my lips when we kiss, until you
Plunge into white skin, leaving purple flowers as a gift

3AM Thoughts // AKA “He Said Goodbye With His Fists, I Said Goodbye With My Lips.”

SOL: ¿?

Do you write for him?
Does he know intimately the exquisite pleasure of having
Your mellifluous voice curling
Around his flesh, setting his skin on fire
Until he cannot sleep at night?
I lie in twisted sheets, drenched in sweat
Plagued by thoughts of you, of him, you touching him
My mind goes red, I think black, I hear evil
Tell me, I swear I need to know this
Do you offer yourself to him so convincingly that
In his darkest nightmares he would never
Dream to believe you would run on nimble feet away?
I want to slap the answers out of your mouth
Your teeth, your smile, the beautiful eyes that
Drew me in like a sailor on the sea and now
They laughingly watch me drown, you use my affections as weapons
You know the effect you have on me and you
Abuse it, these track marks on my skin are your lips, your hair
The smell of the nape of your neck, you intoxicate me
I slip into abyss hallucinating I feel your soft body wrapping around me
Like a question mark that never asks for answers
Complacent in blissful ignorance

3AM Thoughts // AKA “Questions He Asked, Answers I Avoided.”

SOL: Retribution

Your love is toxic, pernicious
It slips barbed wire into my veins
After each embrace and leaves my
Skin feeling oily, serpentine
You make me want to crawl back into
The abyss I dragged myself out of
As I tumble headlong into destruction
My last thought will be, “You made me this way…”
Some days I feel rotten
Not just shabby, but decrepit
As though you are leeching away
Everything bright in my world
Replacing love with half-truths and muttered asides
Do you want this, do you want us?
I meant it when I promised I would leave
You are the best and worst of me
You are the sensitive patch of skin
And the knife that sneaks right in
You make me sick, and I mean that
In the most gut-wrenching sense of the word
A sadness that is perverse and explicit
Permeating from skin to emotion to marrow
I feel a cold sweet rush of nothing
I feel nothing, do you hear me?
Numbness, senseless, relentless – I am speaking
In half-truths and spitting out bullets
Blindly handing you fragments of words
That I have been biting back for years
I was warned about lovers being toxic
But I fear it’s women too

3AM Thoughts // AKA “Blame Yourself For Getting Cut Off, You’re The One Who Handed Me The Knife.”