MIND: Restless

I suffer because of myself.
It is my own soul all the time that is bothering me.

// Henry Miller, from a letter to Anaïs Nin

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MIND: Roots

I don’t lie to you.
Nor do I try to hurt you when I’m honest with you.
I’ve protected, or tried to, the best in you.
I never could promise to protect your body and soul –
nobody can promise another that.
We can only make one another strong, help each other to believe in ourselves.
He does not protect you – he makes you a slave.
You get befuddled.
You need him and he needs you – and it’s not true, it’s a lie, and you know it, and that’s the root of all your unhappiness.

// Henry Miller, from a letter to Anaïs Nin

MIND: Lucid

That is the simple secret of happiness.
Whatever you are doing, don’t let past move your mind; don’t let future disturb you.
Because the past is no more, and the future is not yet.
To live in the memories, to live in the imagination, is to live in the non-existential.
And when you are living in the non-existential, you are missing that which is existential.
Naturally you will be miserable, because you will miss your whole life.

// Osho

SOL: +/-

I want everything and nothing at the same time – this is why I’ll never be satisfied with my life.

I want a home and a love and a warm fire and a slow cooker and a bread maker and a crepe machine and an apron that says “Kiss the Cook.”

I want a suitcase and a backpack. I want to send my mail to a PO Box because I haven’t had an address in five years. I want to watch the sunrise in Bangladesh and watch the sunset in Ko Phi Phi. I want lessons in Thai street fighting and French cuisine. I want to speak five languages and fill up a passport with stamps.

I want a steady boyfriend who I might one day marry. I want to be half of a whole and to make other people envious of the love I bring to my life. I want a group of friends I see daily, weekly, every day and all the time. I want to fill my life with companionship until it bursts at the seams.

I want a lover in every major city. I want a boyfriend in every port. I want stolen kisses under the Eiffel Tower on Monday and whispered goodbyes in Athens by Thursday. I want to swim in the silence and dive into a sea of loneliness. I want to pitch a tent with Depression and fill myself up with sadness until I go numb. I want to make friends in hostels and get emails from around the world, reminding me of the places I’ve yet to go.

I want a hand to hold and to have a date night once a week and a warm body in my bed to turn over and kiss at four in the morning just because I can.

I want adventure and risk and danger. I want independence and freedom and to be able to work 9 to 5 and love as I please from 5 to 9. I want to be able to leave without guilt, and to know in my heart that they’re better off without me.

I want a steady job and a promising career with a well-padded CV and a job history to slay my competition. I want to wear power-suits and sling-back heels and use words in boardrooms like “third-quarterly review” and “steady rate of incline in the work force.” I want to have to worry about insurance and mortgages and finding a home within a good school district.

I want to rip up my resume and quit my job. I want to flip-off the economy and sell all my belongings. I want to represent a serious flaw in the system. I want to work in-the-black and do manual labour until I’m sweaty and exhausted and drink beer I can barely afford on secluded beaches that most people will never see in their lifetime.

 When people ask me how I do it I’ll tell them, “I wanted to, so I did.”